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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. -Emo Philips
The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
"Fight!" ... "Where?!" *WHOLE SCHOOL RUNS
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.
I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Funny Quotes Tumblr Images Wallpapers Pics Pictures Facebook Covers Tatoos Tupac Backgrounds Cover Photo
Funny Quotes Tumblr Images Wallpapers Pics Pictures Facebook Covers Tatoos Tupac Backgrounds Cover Photo
Funny Quotes Tumblr Images Wallpapers Pics Pictures Facebook Covers Tatoos Tupac Backgrounds Cover Photo
Funny Quotes Tumblr Images Wallpapers Pics Pictures Facebook Covers Tatoos Tupac Backgrounds Cover Photo
Funny Quotes Tumblr Images Wallpapers Pics Pictures Facebook Covers Tatoos Tupac Backgrounds Cover Photo
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